Oh, social pressure, the quiet demon I’ve slowly but surely learned to slay over the past few years, though I may not yet be entirely free of it. For me, social pressure has everything to do with setting (and protecting) boundaries. And if there’s one thing that truly teaches you what personal boundaries mean, it’s a deep burnout. At least, that was my teacher. And a harsh one it was.
Something about boundaries
It took a while, but now, four years later, I can finally say that I’m far less guided by social pressure. This is inseparably linked to learning to feel where my boundaries lie. As someone who never grew up learning what boundaries really are, I can wholeheartedly say that I’ve spent a large part of my life running past myself, driven by the expectations of others.
I used to find it difficult to say ‘no’, you could even call me a bit of a people pleaser. That translated into both my personal and professional life: I made the wrong decisions because I believed they were socially or professionally appropriate. Until reality hit hard: things couldn’t go on like this. I heard people say I should guard my boundaries, but how do you do that when no one ever taught you how?
1: Learn to say ‘no’
When it comes to setting (and keeping) boundaries, there are a few fundamental things involved, I now know. For instance: learning the small but powerful word ‘no’.
If there’s one piece of advice I could give anyone recovering from burnout, it would be this: plan no more than one intensive activity per day, and say no to the rest. So, either grocery shopping, or a longer walk, or a family obligation, or tea with a friend. One of these, and nothing more. Perhaps this is even the time to finally make that one phone call you’ve been avoiding for too long because you dreaded it so much and stressed you out. Do what fits your energy, your rhythm, your recovery.
2: Limit social activities
Yes, this means you’ll find yourself saying ‘no’ more often. And once you start reintegrating into work, your social life will likely shrink even further. Which brings me to my second point: temporarily turn down the volume on your social life. And don’t see that as selfish, see it as healing.
Learning to say “no” to social obligations is something many of us could do more often. Because only in silence do you truly hear what your body, your mind and your heart are asking for.
Decluttering social circles
Over the past few years, I’ve consciously withdrawn as much as I could. I ended friendships that had run their course and let go of people I intuitively knew I needed to release. What remained is a small, safe circle of people who truly care for me, who don’t take offense when I cancel plans and, not unimportantly, who reply to my messages within a reasonable time.
It seems to be a recurring theme in my life: quality over quantity. I choose the people whose energy uplifts me, no matter who they are. Even if that includes family.
Placing family lower on the list
I’ve learned to cancel family obligations when I’m unwell. In the past, I would’ve gone anyway, ignoring my body’s signals out of fear of disappointing someone. Now I only attend the gatherings that truly matter to me. Last winter, I spent the holidays mostly alone: just one Christmas dinner instead of three and New Year’s Eve with my cats. Simply because I didn’t feel like more than that. And honestly? It was amazing.
Even now, I cherish solitude. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. I enjoy long walks in my own company, doing groceries at my own pace, shopping without anyone waiting for me. And the peace at home: reading or writing whenever I wish, eating in bed, taking a nap in the middle of the day without judgment, letting my things lie around for as long as I please.
Protecting the energy at home
Social pressure carries a certain energy, a restless vibration I don’t want to let into my home. I prefer to have as few people over as possible. The energy in the room literally shifts when they enter and I can feel it. On top of that, I live in a very small apartment: everything in one space, except for the bathroom. That alone creates a subtle pressure to keep everything spotless, an extra form of pressure I simply don’t need in my life. I don’t need anyone to judge me, I’ve done that enough myself (and still do, more often than I’d like to admit).
3: Enjoy your own company
My third point is isolation, or rather: the healing silence of solitude. Learn to be present with yourself, your thoughts, your feelings. And especially with your body. Because you are not your body, you have a body. And it has something to tell you, but you can only hear it in silence.
That silence, so deeply needed, also extends to what you consume, both in food and in media. They can both create noise, inner static. So be careful what noise and how much of it you let into your life.
So I try, quite consciously, to ignore the pull of social pressure. It doesn’t bring me any good, it just gives me tension and restlessness. How I do that can be summed up quite simply: not giving a F. Letting go of the need to care too much gives you freedom.
Perhaps there are many more ways to free yourself from social pressure.
What do you do to stay true to yourself?
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